and sometimes, I feel like reaching out/in and slapping myself for doing so!
It’s a challenge..
Not the choice of reincarnating to this planet, though of course this comes with its set of challenges or opportunities of growth. I meant this blog post. It’s a “challenge” by a blogger friend of mine over at Litebeing Chronicles. This “challenge” or mission, if we so chose to accept it, was to write about what we felt our mission in this life was. The idea was sparked by a quote she came across – “I chose to come to this planet, and I am delighted to be here.”
What exactly am I here for?
To be totally honest, I’m not sure.
When I started down this path of “awakening” 9 years ago or there about, I felt a little lost. Strange thing when the popular version of being “awakened” is to NOT feel lost anymore. I was excited, I was also confused. It was a time that left me feeling frustrated and disheartened. I bought into this idea that this whole awakening thing comes with really cool experiences. Hearing people’s stories of their experiences made my own seem insignificant.
There I was, wanting to experience synchronicity and connect to the angels and lovely energies. What did I get instead? A dreadful experience of feeling my body being possessed by some really pissed off energy. I mean, it felt real, almost like an out of body experience. But at the same time, it also felt like a horrible nightmare.
In the mix of all this, there was this burning question. A question that came with reading all these “new age” books (new age in quotes because it really isn’t new at all…more like totally ancient wisdom but, we’ll go with new age). It was the question that came with attending workshops and more workshops. It rudely barged into mind with more stories I heard of other’s experiences.
The question was – What was my purpose?
The answer felt like the Holy Grail, you know the one? The cup that people lost their lives looking for and never finding? Like a mirage of an oasis to the desperately thirsty person lost in a fiery desert? Yes, that’s the one.
I got smart and got out
Though generally speaking, I can do some of the stupidest things, there are times when my intelligence shines like a beacon of light, like the North star.
I spent quite a few years going through this phase of wanting to be “awakened”. I mean, I realised and I do know that I am more conscious, more aware than what I was, before turning onto this path. I still look at things, situations, people and experiences with an inward perspective. It’s automatic now. I also know that there is no “spiritual journey”. Not really. We all are here to live life and reunite ourselves with our Self, our true Self. That is the spiritual journey. It’s more of whether we are aware of it and are willing to reconnect with ourselves or not.
What is it trying to teach me? How is this reflecting my thoughts or feelings? Why am I so fearful of someone or some situation?
Questions that lead me to reveal things about myself. A slow process of reacquainting me to me. Sometimes I lose ground and turn into a headless chicken, running around in panicked circles. Most of the time, I am aware of this and try to bring my thoughts back to centre. Sometimes I fail…miserably.
Before now, I would berate myself for being said headless chicken. Now, not so much. Before now, I’d have spiraled from a state of chicken without a head to a very sad, defeated chicken. Now, not so much. Before now, I would get scared that I wasn’t getting any of this right and end up feeling hopeless. Now, not so much.
Before now, I would be worried that I didn’t know my purpose, that I didn’t have a purpose, that I wasn’t doing anything to get to my purpose, that I was just running around in circles without any direction of my purpose.
But now, I don’t mind. I don’t mind that I don’t know what great or small purpose my soul is meant to serve.
I just have ONE thing to do.
Right now, I live this life trying to get just ONE thing right. Bringing balance into my life. I’ll be truthful…I’m not doing a great job at it. Sometimes, I completely forget. All the time, there is this small voice that reminds me to keep trying. Balancing my work, my dreams of pursuing Aura Soma, my love for drawing mandalas, my expectations, my fears, my joys, my insecurities, my frustrations and acknowledging my successes.
Maybe by just focusing on that, I will serve my purpose. Maybe, if I get my act together and start writing more in this blog I’ll help just ONE person. Maybe, if I get my act together and continue a little series I planned for over at LinkedIn, I’ll help just ONE person who wants to pursue medical writing as a career. Maybe, if can stop worrying about HOW I’m going to balance everything and just do it, I’ll help someone, somewhere, somehow.
Maybe I won’t.
Maybe, this life of mine has nothing to do with anyone. Maybe, it’s just to teach me to be patient, to be kinder, to be more understanding, to be more…balanced.
Maybe, my life is to teach me to not be so worried about what everyone thinks and be true to myself. Maybe, it’s to teach me to be brave and accept me for me. Maybe, I am here to learn how to just be me.
If I have learned one thing in these past few years it’s this – it’s okay not to have a grand purpose in life. It’s totally okay to not know what wonderful thing or things your soul is meant to do. Because, sometimes, some of us won’t know. We won’t know that our kindness made someone the best person they could be. We won’t know if one day, our words of encouragement makes a young child grow up to find the cure for cancer. So, to me, just learning to live my life as best I can, with all it’s messiness is probably going to fill up my time anyways. And that’s all right too.
If you would like to read more stories from other wonderful bloggers, head on to Litebeing Chronicles! 🙂