The path to perfection is littered with pits that take you down never ending abysses. Add an affliction to over thinking things and…well, I’ve given myself a literal headache trying to get this post out, 3 days late. Later than the White Rabbit, this cousin of his is brown, a little round(er) and more human. The lateness is however not to the Mad Hatter’s tea party. Instead it’s the yearly NanoPoblano event participated by a bunch of lovely creatives who may be a tad crazy.
I’m usually never late with my first NanoPoblano post. November 1st and my blog would display a shining new post. It had to be done! I had given my word! My name was on “the list”.
I don’t know. My brain and mind have been lost in this fog. It’s like my brain completely refuses to listen to my mind. And my mind has been completely overtaken by Abigail, my magical inner sloth. At least, most sloths have a smiley face. My mind just looks pouting ugly.
I’ve lacked interest in anything and everything. It’s like the thought of watching or reading anything that’s motivating or thought provoking feels painful. Watching a movie only makes me roll my eyes because the protagonist is being stupid, whiny and irritating, or at least that’s what I think. Instead, watching gaming walk-through videos on YouTube seems like blessed mind numbing relieve.
Enough is enough!
This morning however, against the odds, I cleaned my room. For some reason, cleaning my room is like promising myself a good start for a good day. Not entirely a full-proof theory because its accuracy rate is kinda pathetic. However, today it wasn’t too bad.
Today, I decided, enough was enough. I was going to get a blog post up even if my forehead bleeds (Douglas Adam’s quote reference). The thing about over thinking and things needing to be perfect? Well, the problem is this…
With me, the “perfection” in my mind rarely equates to reality. But, that’s kinda true for most people, right? We dream of perfection. We aim for perfection. We kill ourselves, our relationships, our present for perfection.
We are rarely ever satisfied with what we have or what we can do. Because society tells us that it’s not enough. Society points its finger at those who are better, more accomplished, more perfect than us. We do the same because, however hard we try to follow the principle of not comparing ourselves with others, we (most of us) invariably do. “Gurus” and thought leaders tell us not to do that shit, yet the same ones tend to do so in a variety of ways.
“Look at me! Look at what I’ve achieved! Now you too should follow exactly what I say to achieve this!”
The magic of starting
You know, 464 words in, the headache is slowly receding back to where it came from. My mind is starting to shake off the sense of Abigail (a little) and I’m pretty sure that both brain and mind have sorta started kissing and making up.
Sometimes, just starting with whatever it is you need to do can be good enough. Sometimes, just plopping my ass in my chair and facing a blank Word document leads me to completing a project. To be honest, most times it also takes a battle of epic proportions to focus enough to squeeze out the first word. But, it’s a start. And usually, from that start, things tend to flow.
Sometimes, it doesn’t. And you know what? That’s okay. It is okay to not feel like doing anything. It is okay to just do what needs to be done to get by for the day. It is okay to take three naps a day because…just because. I think it’s okay. I know it’s okay. I just need to give myself the permission for it to be okay. To stop the panicky voice inside saying that it is not okay.
The thing is, there is a line. A line once crossed gives way to a long ride down a very rocky cliff. I’ve been there. A long time ago. I try not to think about it because it makes me tired and to be honest, a little afraid. Meaning, I guess I still need to resolve this. Oh, what baggage we carry!
The thing about this line…we gotta be careful that we don’t cross it. Because, then the sometimes of not wanting or feeling, becomes all the time. It eats us up inside. It eats up our life, like Stephen King’s langoliers, leaving nothing but a deep, empty darkness. That’s when you gotta do something, whether it’s mentally slapping yourself, giving a self-pep talk, finding someone…anyone to talk to or getting professional help.
Hmm..that was a “delightful” first post wasn’t it? But, that’s okay too 🙂